holding

Dear Hudson,
This afternoon while you slept, I just held you.  You were starting to get fussy in your bouncy seat so I picked you up and snuggled you in my lap.  You fell asleep almost immediately.  I was so surprised, as I usually have to walk around with you, carrying you on your belly.  But today, you were content just being near your mama. 

As you slept, I just held you.  I closed the computer.  Turned off the TV.  Didn't pick up a book.  Just held you and listened to the cars go by outside.  I thought about how quickly 3 months have gone by and how much I was going to miss this some day.  So I just held you as you slept.

Every once in awhile I would kiss your head or smell your hair, but mostly I just thought about how much I love to be your mama. 

On Saturday, you spent your first night in your crib.  I only made it until about 5 am, because I had a dream that someone was trying to take you, so I brought you back into our room.  I definitely cried that first night you were in your crib, but your daddy prayed that you would sleep good and that we would learn to love these moments of you growing up.

I am finding that this is the constant struggle of motherhood.  The sadness of you growing and changing and the excitement of you growing and changing.  There are already things that you did as a newborn that you don't anymore.  I miss your sighs after you would nurse and the way you would snuggle when you slept, but I don't think I would trade it for hearing you laugh when we sing songs or the look on your face when you see your toes.

Baby boy, I know you have to grow up, but today, I just wanted to hit pause for awhile as you slept so peacefully in my arms.

Love,
Mommy